It’s Saturday, July 3, 2021 and I just spent the afternoon with two boys under the supervision of DCF (Department of Child and Family Services) Pseudo names of Jack 10 yrs old and Max 12 years old. I became Jack’s, Special Ed Surrogate Parent (SESP) in 2016. He was in state custody and I was acting as a parent making educational decision. It is a volunteer program. Jack was acting out in part because of the inconsistency of seeing his mom. They asked me to step in and see him regularly. That has begun an auntie/parent/mentorship relationship that has feed both me and Jack for over 4 years. I have been the most consistent person in his life as he has moved through 3 foster homes, a residential treatment program and 2 schools. He is now back with his Mom which is a major accomplishment for both Mom and sons. DCF case workers have provided the support and help Mom needed to regain custody. It is tenuous. But through prayer and a team committed to making this work I think it will be a success. We will have broken the cycle of broken families.
Weekly Jack and I would get together and play and had life changing conversations. He was in control. Today was no exception except our play and conversations included his brother Max.
Today we swim for two hours at the local YMCA. I split my role between being a 10 year old kid and being the adult and making sure it’s fun for everyone. I get such joy out of playing. I look forward to it and it keeps me sane and alive.
We recruit other kids in the pool and we play games. Today we recruited Kalib who looked to be about 14yrs old and his sister Cassidy who was probably 8 years old. Mom and a 4 year old were also in the pool and joined in. We played Marco Polo, freeze tag, capture the flag. We had squirt guns and would shoot each other and duck under the water to avoid being shot, Jump into the pool, and shout. The four year sat on the side with a gun that could shoot far and with a lot of water. I was the target. I would try and avoid him or pretend to come up and attack only to be deterred by him shooting me. He was in control and able to be the commander of his world and an adult. Remember from his perspective being 3rd child and only 4, this experience gave him joy and hope in addition to being in control.
Play is critical to health. When we play, we are in control and are often acting out and processing some of our feelings and unfinished business. For instance there were months when Jack would just thrash around in the water as if he was having a meltdown- slapping the water, kicking feet and thrashing around. It is not socially acceptable to have a meltdown, yet a meltdown is often a way for all of us to process and let go of feelings, thoughts and stress that just gets too much for us. Sometimes I would do it too just to see what if felt like. It felt good. After a while Jack did not do it anymore, anywhere. He didn’t need to, he had let it go.
Play is a universal need and language. It’s amazing that not knowing kids names or not having met them ever before we can have such a good time together. During Marco Polo, Cassidy the 8 year old girl got on my back and hitched a ride as we avoided Marco. Invariably they always ask when we’ll be back because it was so much fun.
Max had epiphanies and used courage to overcome his fears. He was afraid of the deep end and kept looking down to see how deep it was. He was afraid that he might fall down to the bottom and not be able to get back up. I mentioned that he was floating in the shallow end and that it would be very hard for him to get to the bottom because we float. Just think of this simple shift in understanding and how it can profoundly shift how he thinks of water.
We swam to the deep end and then Jack wanted to jump off the side. Max was scared but wanted to do it too. – Intention. He asked me to catch him and then with courage leaped into the water. He was so proud of himself. He even attempted a dive which he did very well for his first time. He said as we swam back to the shallow end. “This is a good day. I have gotten to play and I will be able to sleep well because I have gotten all my energy out.”
No matter how old you are, play. It heals, refreshes and helps you sort out experiences, feelings and concepts that have just been stuffed down. It frees your spirit. Don’t know how to play, ask me.
