I met Jenna at my Church retreat this past week. She spoke of her family in such loving ways. Her Husband, a musician and teacher, was teaching their 6 year old ear training and to play music on a variety of instruments. Jenna was also involved in home schooling their daughter. I was impressed by the amount of love and appreciation she had for her family including her extended family. I wished to be more like her, so positive and enthusiastic about her family.
Talk about forgetting things here is the ultimate: Two years ago at the Church Retreat, Jenna had been talking about the troubles she was having with her husband’s obsessive focus on detail. She felt unloved and ignored. She felt that the marriage was falling apart and she was concerned for her daughter. She cried most of the weekend and requested prayers to help her decide whether divorce was the solution.
After the meeting, I asked if I could talk with her privately. Neither of us really remember what I said to her. I probably told her the following story.
In the course of raising my 4 children, I was so focused on correcting poor manners, behaviors that were irritating, and keeping my kids washed, fed, and in to bed before major melt downs. I had lost sight of my beautiful precious little ones. I realized that I could not see anything positive in my daughter. Here was my pretty, smart, spunky daughter and I could think of nothing that I liked about her. In addition, my children were very poorly behaved, bratty and I was constantly correcting them. People expressed their dislike for my children. I made a decision to say one positive thing to each of my children every day.
The next day, I looked at my daughter searching for something positive to say. The only thing I could say was “I like that shirt”. Internally, I said to myself ‘You’re lying, you sound so fake’. However, I kept my promise. The next day was a little easier “You have pretty brown eyes”. Over time, I saw the best in them enjoyed the cute and amazing things they did and said; it became automatic. I ignored bad behavior and my children’s shortcoming and praised each of them for their uniqueness, for their thoughtfulness, obedience, accomplishments and at times for very mundane things. Surprisingly, I saw more and more positive and praiseworthy things and behaviors not only in my children but my husband and my friends and my other family members. I was also less critical of myself. Unbeknownst to me these were gifts to my children and everyone around me. My children became nicer and well behaved. People in the community would complement me on how polite, well behaved and delightful my children were.
Back to an evening of sharing at the Covenant Retreat now two years after a conversation that both Jenna and I had forgotten. Jenna filled us in on her two year journey from the brink of divorce to where she and her family were now. She took the concept or focusing on the positive behaviors and attributes home to her husband. She explained it to him as follows.
Jenna explained: Relationships and people are like a Pie. Most of the pie is the good and human parts of a person. The missing sliver of the pie is what is missing; person’s short comings, problems, ghost and goblins. Jenna admitted to her husband, “I have been ‘livin’ in the sliver with you. I have been looking at what you are not doing for me. I want us to live in the Gift together.” This concept became a central part of their relationship not only with their immediate family but with their parents. This was particularly amazing for her family because her mother-in-law was extremely negative and made Jenna feel small and terrible about her self. They gave each other permission to remind a family member if someone started living in the sliver. “Are you living in the sliver?” was all it took for the other person to realize that they had fallen into a bad habit. They would recommit to living in the Gift. Today she is happily married and has a thriving rich marriage filled with much love.
Because Jenna committed to living in the gift, shared this with her whole family together they transformed their family into a Gift to each other and to the many people around them. Furthermore, the Gift I gave was given back to me in a much improved way. The gift also blessed the Covenant Women’s Retreat and the story was published in the Canton Writes book in 2016.
After a long illness, Jenna’s mother-in-law passed away. On her tomb stone is written “Living in the Gift”.
Are you living in the sliver? Change that. It will change the course of your life. Never underestimate the power of your words and actions or the power of a great idea.
